Sunday, March 18, 2007

Biscuits, Fairies, and Scientology

The Adventures of Ann and Amy

The Musical

The title of this post started a while ago, when I shared with friend Steve that I was having a morning of fun with our mutual friend Ann. We were planning on having breakfast at Lucile's, and then going to the metaphysical faire. When Steve signed off from his instant message, he said, "Enjoy your biscuits and fairies." So there you have it.

The day started with Ann buying a Starbucks coffee, while I got some cash. I asked her why she was buying a Starbucks, when the breakfast place had good coffee. She replied that she wanted, "Sugary, syrupy goodness," and would have nothing less. I have to support that.

Being a former restaurant server, I worried that her coffee would get cold in the car, as I knew that restaurants did not allow outside food and beverages. When we got there, she brought in her coffee, like there was no issue at all. I didn't notice this until we sat at our patio table, when our server said, "I'm going to ignore the Starbucks coffee. Would you like some beignets? A half-order, perhaps?" Ann readily agreed.

I had never had beignets, so I went along for the ride, and as you can imagine, it was a good ride. Yummah! Our farmer's eggs and Hank's eggs were delicious, and the portions were very large, so we couldn't finish them. I did finish my biscuit, though. I know my priorities in life.

Afterward, we turned the corner, hitting the curb, and went on our way to the metaphysical faire. I had been to it several times, but Ann had never been there. I had never attended so early in the day, so I didn't know if there would be a line.

There was. But it wasn't long.

When we first entered the building, still in line, we were greeted with songs about medicine eagle feather woman, sung in a lovely fashion by two older women in prom gowns. That was how the faire started.

We made the circuit around the whole thing. Around the edges of both rooms we found the readers--psychic readers, palm readers, tarot readers, etc. There were also massage therapists, reflexologists, and Chanty McGee. We chose not to visit him this time.

We found the person who would give Ann her reading, signed up, then walked off to find the folks from the Inner Connection Institute, who do free aura cleansings and chakra balancing. We had this done, and it was awesome. Those are great folks, and they offer this service for free. It was very refreshing. I felt happy afterward.

This may explain the insane giggling fits later.

Anyway, after the aura cleansing, we went for our readings. Ann to hers, and mine to a new guy. He taped the session, so I could listen to it again, which was very cool. Instead of a regular tarot reading, he led me through a guided meditation, in which I could find the answers to the questions I had, by myself.

We found ourselves wandering around the vendors after that. Prayer flags, ugly jewelry, some cool jewelry, some cool art pieces, and t-shirts that "felt hempy."

"Hmm. These t-shirts feel hempy. They are hempy!" Ann exclaimed, after looking at the tag.

"Hempy?" I asked.

"It says it right there."

We walked on, perusing things that will clear your personal environment of bad energy, lots of cool rocks and mineral thingys, and came upon the Grand Court Jester of the faire.

Dressed in a colorful jester's hat, colorful clothes, and perched precariously upon a high stool, she chanted, "Chakra photos! Get your chakra photos here! Chakras!" and such.

I shit you not.

We walked on toward some books and tarot cards, distracted by the belly dancers in full costume, who were walking around freely. We saw a dude playing a didgeridoo, only the end of it was placed RIGHT AT some dude's head. Ann and I both agreed that would freak us out.

Of course, a visit to the metaphysical faire isn't complete without being accosted by scientologists. Even though it is clearly posted at the entrance, "No proselytizing," they set up shop selling Dianetics books. Apparently this is okay, but pushing scientology is not. So anyway, we were accosted by them, asking us if we wanted a free "stress test." Um, sure.

So we sat down. Dude handed me what looked like two skinny soup cans with no labels, attached to which were roach clips and wires, leading to this electronic thing with a dial and a meter. He asked me to, "Think about different situations in your life." I found this bizarre, but did as asked. At one point, the needle on the meter moved.

"Mmmmm," dude said, nodding and giving me a knowing look. What he knew was a mystery to me, but it appeared that he pitied me somehow. "What were you thinking about, just then when the needle moved?"

"I have no idea," I said, truthfully. I was shocked by the bizarre nature of this "stress test."

"What about your relationships?" he pressed. I thought about it. The needle didn't move.

"They're fine, " I said.

"Hmm," he said, "Lemme try something, " and turned the dial on the machine.

"He's trying to make the needle move by adjusting the machine. This is total bullshit," I thought, but stayed there to fuck with him.

He then asked, "Are you married?"

"Yes." No needle movement.

"Do you have children?" he asked, and the needle moved.

"Mmmmmmm," he said, with that look of, "Man, are you fucked up," on his face.

"I imagine most mothers carry some stress about their children. She doesn't stress me out," I said. At this point I saw Ann, standing in the thoroughfare. I placed the soup cans on the table. "I'm leaving now," I said with a smile.

"But wait, let me show you this book," he said, rather quickly.

"No, thanks," I said. It was Dianetics.

"Have you heard of it?" he asked.

"Yes," I said.

"Have you read it?" he asked, with a glimmer of hope in his scientologist eyeballs.

"No, I haven't. And I'm not going to. Goodbye," I said, and joined Ann.

She told me that the woman who was giving her the stress test tried to tell her that Dianetics wasn't about scientology.

"What?" I asked.

"Oh, yeah. She was showing me the book, and on the back it has a quote from John Travolta. And then I saw another quote from Tom Cruise, and then I said, 'This is scientology!' and she said, 'noitisn't!' just like that. And I said, 'yes it is!' and she said, 'no it isn't. It's about a way to manage the stress in your life' but then I cut her off and said, 'yes, it is scientology!' and walked off."

At this point we were away from the stress testers, and I suggested we go back to them, and see if they ask us for a stress test again, and we would sit down, and when they asked us if we had stress, I would say, "Yeah, amnesia stresses me out."

And then the giggling started.

Then Ann suggested we sit down again, and when he asked me about what stresses me out, she could lean over, right in my face, and say, "I think it's time to go! Aren't you done yet???" and I could answer, "My friends," to the guy.

And then the giggling was laughter. Very loud laughter. A passserby remarked that she wanted some of what I was drinking. I assured her it was just Coke.

We decided later that we could sit down with the scientologists, and when they asked us what stresses us out, we could say, "People who lie about shit not being scientology when IT CLEARLY IS YOU IDIOTS IN THE DIANETICS SHIRTS! WHAT KIND OF FREAKS ARE YOU??" Insane laughter again.

By this time we were sitting down, waiting for Ann's massage appointment. We saw the woman before here, sitting in the massage chair, and you know how they have that cut out in the face pillow, so your face is open to the air? The dude put a hairnet over the face pillow, and Ann remarked, "My face is going to have net lines."

I said to her, "You've got more important things to worry about. Heed my words, you'd better not open your eyes while you're there. Because if you do, this is what you're gonna see," and I stuck my face right in her face, threatening to squat in front of the massage chair, waiting to pounce.

Insane laughter.

It was a great, great day. The joke now would be for Ann to say, "No it wasn't!"

"Yes, it was!"

"No it wasn't!"


  1. Ok, I'm a Scientologist and this post pisses me off.

    You went to a metaphysical faire.
    And you seemed totally fine with psychic readers, palm readers, tarot readers, massage therapists, reflexologists, and the like.

    So, what the hell is wrong with the Dianetics stress test being there too?

    Didn't the psychic readers "accost" (approach) you as well? Let's be honest here.

    Besides, if you did not (obviously) want to particpate in the stress test, why the heck did you sit down and participate?

    Also, why not be honest, and tell them you are not into Dianetics and you oppose Scientology (for reasons of your own, whatever those may be)?

    And two more things.

    1) Dianetics ( is *NOT* Scientology. They were both developed by L. Ron Hubbard, but one is a self-help methodology, and the other is a religious philosophy. One is about the mind, the other about the spirit. They are different and separate schools of study.

    (I'm not saying you should agree with either, I'm just saying don't be ignorant about it.)

    2) The e-meter (that thing with the cans and the clips and the moving needle on the dial) is simply a biofeedback device. It measures body conductivity, which varies depending on stress level. It's not that weird (less weird than tarot cards, for pete's sake) and it actually is a pretty neat tool is you approach it with an open mind - which you clearly did not.

    Scientologist and proud of it

  2. Anonymous12:24 AM

    Hello Groovygrrl,

    It looks like you met Sir Greg, the slayer of Scientology critical commentary on the internet.

    He hops into to many blogs to "correct" people constantly.

    *waves to Greg* Hi!

    These two sites have all the info you need about Scientology... The stuff they do not want you to know

  3. Anonymous12:28 AM

    Oh Greg, Dianetics is part of the same Hubbardian scam as Scientology. Not nice to lie to the good folks. toodles!

  4. I have to agree...dianetics and scientology are the same thing.

    different packaging, same box. However, I am tempted to try the stress test thingie...maybe I can make one at home. I have some soup cans and I can borrow a voltmeter from my friend Dave.

    Good should go to Fairfield, Iowa...the land of transcendental meditation. Doug Henning (the magician) used to have a geodesic dome house there. The beach boys hung out there too.

    Just a thought.

  5. Greg,

    The tarot readers didn't accost anyone. They just sat there, and people came to them.

    Massage therapists don't try to convert people to their religion.

    Dianetics and scientology, because they were MADE UP by the same person, are the same thing. Scientologists practice "dianetics."

    If you say that they aren't the same thing, you are lying.

    Also, they were pretty uptight when we mentioned scientology to them. Why? Because they knew that they weren't supposed to be there, pushing their religion.

    None of the other folks there were pushing their views. These folks were, but said they weren't, which makes them liars.

    I don't like liars, and believe they should be exposed.

    Thanks to the others for posting, as well.

    Remember, Xenu loves you!

  6. Okay, okay. Xenu doesn't love you. He made a bunch of folks' souls from millions of years ago live in your body. That bastard!

    How much money do I have to pay to get rid of them? PLEASE TELL ME! Because shit, I don't want those souls inside me. Get them out! I CAN FEEL THEM CRAWLING!

  7. Groovygirl:

    Benjamin Franklin invented bifocals and worked on the constitution of the United States. Therefore, bifocals and our Constitution are the same thing, right?

    Also, I don't remember you describing these people "pushing their views" on anyone. They were offering a stress test. So chill.

    In terms of Xenu, how about you read

    It's ok to disagree with something if at least you know what the heck it is you're disagreeing with.

    Scientologist and proud of it

  8. The very fact that there is an E-Meter present means you are talking about Scientology since an E-Meter is a "religious artifact" and can only be used by Scientology ministers or ministers-in-training.

  9. Tony,

    Exactly right about the e-meter.


    Bifocals and the Constitution don't have anything to do with a common religion, that I know of. So that statement is irrelevant.

    "So chill." I'm not upset. It appears that you are, by telling me to chill, and also saying that the post "pissed" you off. I'm fine. I'm not pissed at all.

    Xenu is not a scientology myth. It's part of OT III. You aren't there yet, I guess. Ran out of money for those classes?

    It's okay to disagree with something, in any case. I have done my research. "Fair game," right? You are free to lie, right? Because I'm the enemy, right?