Tuesday, March 27, 2007

What can I do to protect my hip?

I was perusing a web site, and saw an ad with that headline. "What can I do to protect my hip?" There was a photo of an attractive woman with grey hair and a mild expression on her face.

I failed to read the rest of the ad, I found the question so appealing.

How To Protect Your Hip

  1. Wear iron pants.
  2. Hire an entourage of bodyguards to walk with you wherever you go, on your weak hip's side.
  3. Wear those padded shorts for linebackers.
  4. Massage it lovingly.
  5. Get one of your attractive bodyguards to massage it for you.
  6. Oh, yeah, that's the stuff.
  7. Move to an area with no hills.
  8. Avoid dancefloors.
  9. Wear a low-slung, spiked leather belt.
  10. Never get out of your comfy chair. (No! Not the comfy chair!)

Sunday, March 18, 2007

Biscuits, Fairies, and Scientology

The Adventures of Ann and Amy

The Musical

The title of this post started a while ago, when I shared with friend Steve that I was having a morning of fun with our mutual friend Ann. We were planning on having breakfast at Lucile's, and then going to the metaphysical faire. When Steve signed off from his instant message, he said, "Enjoy your biscuits and fairies." So there you have it.

The day started with Ann buying a Starbucks coffee, while I got some cash. I asked her why she was buying a Starbucks, when the breakfast place had good coffee. She replied that she wanted, "Sugary, syrupy goodness," and would have nothing less. I have to support that.

Being a former restaurant server, I worried that her coffee would get cold in the car, as I knew that restaurants did not allow outside food and beverages. When we got there, she brought in her coffee, like there was no issue at all. I didn't notice this until we sat at our patio table, when our server said, "I'm going to ignore the Starbucks coffee. Would you like some beignets? A half-order, perhaps?" Ann readily agreed.

I had never had beignets, so I went along for the ride, and as you can imagine, it was a good ride. Yummah! Our farmer's eggs and Hank's eggs were delicious, and the portions were very large, so we couldn't finish them. I did finish my biscuit, though. I know my priorities in life.

Afterward, we turned the corner, hitting the curb, and went on our way to the metaphysical faire. I had been to it several times, but Ann had never been there. I had never attended so early in the day, so I didn't know if there would be a line.

There was. But it wasn't long.

When we first entered the building, still in line, we were greeted with songs about medicine eagle feather woman, sung in a lovely fashion by two older women in prom gowns. That was how the faire started.

We made the circuit around the whole thing. Around the edges of both rooms we found the readers--psychic readers, palm readers, tarot readers, etc. There were also massage therapists, reflexologists, and Chanty McGee. We chose not to visit him this time.

We found the person who would give Ann her reading, signed up, then walked off to find the folks from the Inner Connection Institute, who do free aura cleansings and chakra balancing. We had this done, and it was awesome. Those are great folks, and they offer this service for free. It was very refreshing. I felt happy afterward.

This may explain the insane giggling fits later.

Anyway, after the aura cleansing, we went for our readings. Ann to hers, and mine to a new guy. He taped the session, so I could listen to it again, which was very cool. Instead of a regular tarot reading, he led me through a guided meditation, in which I could find the answers to the questions I had, by myself.

We found ourselves wandering around the vendors after that. Prayer flags, ugly jewelry, some cool jewelry, some cool art pieces, and t-shirts that "felt hempy."

"Hmm. These t-shirts feel hempy. They are hempy!" Ann exclaimed, after looking at the tag.

"Hempy?" I asked.

"It says it right there."

We walked on, perusing things that will clear your personal environment of bad energy, lots of cool rocks and mineral thingys, and came upon the Grand Court Jester of the faire.

Dressed in a colorful jester's hat, colorful clothes, and perched precariously upon a high stool, she chanted, "Chakra photos! Get your chakra photos here! Chakras!" and such.

I shit you not.

We walked on toward some books and tarot cards, distracted by the belly dancers in full costume, who were walking around freely. We saw a dude playing a didgeridoo, only the end of it was placed RIGHT AT some dude's head. Ann and I both agreed that would freak us out.

Of course, a visit to the metaphysical faire isn't complete without being accosted by scientologists. Even though it is clearly posted at the entrance, "No proselytizing," they set up shop selling Dianetics books. Apparently this is okay, but pushing scientology is not. So anyway, we were accosted by them, asking us if we wanted a free "stress test." Um, sure.

So we sat down. Dude handed me what looked like two skinny soup cans with no labels, attached to which were roach clips and wires, leading to this electronic thing with a dial and a meter. He asked me to, "Think about different situations in your life." I found this bizarre, but did as asked. At one point, the needle on the meter moved.

"Mmmmm," dude said, nodding and giving me a knowing look. What he knew was a mystery to me, but it appeared that he pitied me somehow. "What were you thinking about, just then when the needle moved?"

"I have no idea," I said, truthfully. I was shocked by the bizarre nature of this "stress test."

"What about your relationships?" he pressed. I thought about it. The needle didn't move.

"They're fine, " I said.

"Hmm," he said, "Lemme try something, " and turned the dial on the machine.

"He's trying to make the needle move by adjusting the machine. This is total bullshit," I thought, but stayed there to fuck with him.

He then asked, "Are you married?"

"Yes." No needle movement.

"Do you have children?" he asked, and the needle moved.

"Mmmmmmm," he said, with that look of, "Man, are you fucked up," on his face.

"I imagine most mothers carry some stress about their children. She doesn't stress me out," I said. At this point I saw Ann, standing in the thoroughfare. I placed the soup cans on the table. "I'm leaving now," I said with a smile.

"But wait, let me show you this book," he said, rather quickly.

"No, thanks," I said. It was Dianetics.

"Have you heard of it?" he asked.

"Yes," I said.

"Have you read it?" he asked, with a glimmer of hope in his scientologist eyeballs.

"No, I haven't. And I'm not going to. Goodbye," I said, and joined Ann.

She told me that the woman who was giving her the stress test tried to tell her that Dianetics wasn't about scientology.

"What?" I asked.

"Oh, yeah. She was showing me the book, and on the back it has a quote from John Travolta. And then I saw another quote from Tom Cruise, and then I said, 'This is scientology!' and she said, 'noitisn't!' just like that. And I said, 'yes it is!' and she said, 'no it isn't. It's about a way to manage the stress in your life' but then I cut her off and said, 'yes, it is scientology!' and walked off."

At this point we were away from the stress testers, and I suggested we go back to them, and see if they ask us for a stress test again, and we would sit down, and when they asked us if we had stress, I would say, "Yeah, amnesia stresses me out."

And then the giggling started.

Then Ann suggested we sit down again, and when he asked me about what stresses me out, she could lean over, right in my face, and say, "I think it's time to go! Aren't you done yet???" and I could answer, "My friends," to the guy.

And then the giggling was laughter. Very loud laughter. A passserby remarked that she wanted some of what I was drinking. I assured her it was just Coke.

We decided later that we could sit down with the scientologists, and when they asked us what stresses us out, we could say, "People who lie about shit not being scientology when IT CLEARLY IS YOU IDIOTS IN THE DIANETICS SHIRTS! WHAT KIND OF FREAKS ARE YOU??" Insane laughter again.

By this time we were sitting down, waiting for Ann's massage appointment. We saw the woman before here, sitting in the massage chair, and you know how they have that cut out in the face pillow, so your face is open to the air? The dude put a hairnet over the face pillow, and Ann remarked, "My face is going to have net lines."

I said to her, "You've got more important things to worry about. Heed my words, you'd better not open your eyes while you're there. Because if you do, this is what you're gonna see," and I stuck my face right in her face, threatening to squat in front of the massage chair, waiting to pounce.

Insane laughter.

It was a great, great day. The joke now would be for Ann to say, "No it wasn't!"

"Yes, it was!"

"No it wasn't!"

Thursday, March 15, 2007

The Reality of Married Life

Husband: What is the true meaning of this song, to you? (while listening to some sappy-ass song on a Thomas the Train video)

Wife: You need to leave me alone. You're full of shit today, and I just can't take it.

Husband: *bursts out giggling*

Sunday, March 11, 2007

Pure joy.

I am not the biggest sports fan, but I was raised in rural Iowa, where there wasn't much to do. Participating in sports kept us all fit, and my father liked to watch Iowa Hawkeye football and basketball on the weekends, so I did, sometimes, too.

To brighten your day, I found this video of the Miami of Ohio team celebrating (.6 seconds prematurely, it turned out) their win over Akron. What I love about the video is the reaction of the team, the cheerleaders, the coaches, everyone, right after Doug Penno makes his shot. It is absolutely wonderful to watch.

It's just so instant. Instant joy. Just add sweat.

Monday, March 05, 2007

Best. Sick. Day. Evah.

Okay, it's the best because I'm not the sick one. My husband is. And I guess it's not really the best, because the best sick day is when it's 70 degrees out and I take a sick day to take my kid to the zoo.

So today is the second best.

But this thing I found might make it closer to the best. This is hilarious! I love it. I love that I found it on a Monday morning.

Tell your friends.

Sunday, March 04, 2007

Weekly blogger.

Yep, that's me.

It's been a rough winter. We're not out of winter for three more weeks, but the effects of so much snow and cold are coming through. Our whole household has been ill in some manner: daughter got the stomach flu and a cough; papa got some sort of illness (probably a rough cold); I have had a cough for about three weeks, now. Had an asthma attack the other night. Made for a rough day at work.

When things like this happen, it's hard for me to keep up the pace that I'm used to, with the soap and other endeavors. I made soap last night, though, which was a good thing, because it helped to propel me out of the rut. I felt good about it. Action always combats complacency for me.

I wonder, what with spring coming, how others have their perceptions change. Does the sun and warm weather cause a reaction in all of us to act? Or is it just my turn in life?

Things seem very revolutionary for me, right now. Inside my head.

I'll keep you posted.