Saturday, September 16, 2006

In a rut


I type this on a Saturday morning, from home. A day off. Sorely needed, and definitely earned. I am going to make eggs and sausage and English muffins for breakfast, when the time comes. I'm drinking strong coffee, and enjoying a peaceful morning.

I have missed this.

*breathes deeply*

So! I was talking to a friend at work the other morning, and was trying to put my finger on the feeling I've had for the past few days. This school year is different, definitely--the ambience in the school has changed. It's more scholarly, somehow. The administration tries to make things very clear, regarding what is their job, and what is our job. This helps tremendously.

But I've still been feeling something like unrest, or agitation, or...I couldn't quite put my finger on it. So I was talking to M. the other morning, and it suddenly became clear. She said:

"I just feel like I'm in a rut. I'm not passionate about this anymore. I enjoy the kids, I relatively enjoy that part of my job, which is the important part. But something is missing. It's not enough. I'm bored!"

At which point, I realized that was a good explanation of how I feel, too.

I'm not exactly "bored" with my job, but those who know me know that I'm not super-happy with it. I know this puts me in a group comprising of, oh, 99% of the population. Which is fine. I don't hate my job this year, which is an improvement, but after being at school with an administration that's supportive (relatively), and in an environment that is more school than thug life meeting house, I now realize that I still don't really like it all that much.

And I'm trying to allow myself to know that is okay.

I am learning the lesson about the greener side of the fence, I guess. It's like...It's like someone who loses a lot of weight, say 100 pounds. That person feels better, buys new clothes, and enjoys a lot of new attention from their old friends and possibly new friends. And then you ask that person, "So, is your life really different?" They think about it and say, "No. Losing weight didn't really change my life. It just changed my appearance. The daily crap is still there."

That's what I'm feeling. The situation has changed, and it's better. But the daily crap that I have to deal with is still there, and I still don't like it. I'm in a rut, and need to get out.

Toward that end, my blessed web guy has been working on a new project for me. I would like this new project to make enough money to support us. I would like to be self-employed. More and more, I'm moving in that direction. When will I get there?

One thing is for certain: like that car up there, if I don't get out of the rut, I won't be going anywhere fast.

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